50 Dirty Jokes That Are Hilariously Nasty

There is a famous saying that there are only 2 types of people in the world. Those who love dirty jokes, and those who are lying. Here we have compiled some of the most laugh-out-loud dirty jokes.

Jokes make us feel more alive. Hearing and telling dirty jokes is good for us, and the best dirty jokes let us laugh at and talk about what might otherwise stay hidden. Here are 50 dirty jokes that are so hilarious and nasty.

Why did the ketchup blush?Because he saw the salad dressing.

I farted at work the other day… and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?It got stuck in the crack.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message.She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.If you are laughing, send me your smile.If you are eating, send me a bite.If you are drinking, send me a sip.If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

An old married couple is in church one Sunday. When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

What comes out of your nose at 150 mph?Lambogreeny.

What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?It got peed-off.

If you’re American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?European.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?Because he kneaded a poo!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?“How do you breathe through that thing?”

What’s brown and sticky?A stick.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”

A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:Pirate: Doc, you got to help, my ship’s steering wheel got stuck to my crotch.Doctor: So, what’s the problem?Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!

Why did the cop sit on the toilet?To do his duty.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!

What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off!

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog’s fingers!

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” “No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

What do you get when you jingle Santa’s bells? A white Christmas!

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask directions.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!

Two fish swim into a wall… One turns to the other and says.“Dam!”

Dirty Jokes

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